Emotional Focused Couple Therapy

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Introduction

Albert Einstein said, "All knowledge is experience, everything else is just information. " I covered a lot of information in my other articles and many people find the information illuminating as they seek to understand their struggles. And such illumination is very helpful. However, when we're stuck in negative relationship patterns, we need new experiences, based on new emotions, to change the pattern. That's the knowledge Einstein is talking about. Emotions are like that proverbial snake that would bite you. We acknowledge they're there but too often, we misunderstand the role they play in this dance of intimacy. Emotions seem to be the problem, not the solution. relatietherapie online And it's true; emotions often seem to be the problem. They can inspire hurtful behaviors and override all the good thinking and action plans that you try to remember when you and your partner are in conflict. However, emotions are supposed to be that powerful! Just think about it... like that Etta James classic, "At Last, " powerful emotions got you together in the first place--those profound emotions of "lonely days are over, " "a thrill that i have never known, " and "you are mine at last. " Truly in those moments, life is like a song! This profound connection is what it's all about and it's why it hurts so much when it seems to disappear. But rather than emotions being the problem, they are the solution if we know how to use them that way.

Defining the problem Differently

Our attachment styles, our baggage, our relationship histories... all our more troublesome emotions under the surface too often get in the way and we find ourselves in negative relationship cycles. What we need to do is understand the cycle and the emotions that get triggered and reach out; leaning toward our partner again, rather than turn away from them in hurt and fear. But in the cycle, it's too frightening. And that fear is there for a good reason: it tells you to protect yourself from harm. But the things we do in response to fear, especially in our relationships, can be counterproductive in spite of the best information in our heads. Still, even our most counterproductive behaviors make good sense when we understand them in the context of threatened connection with our partner-it's just that neither our partners nor we can see this when we're in the middle of the cycle. When the triggered emotions aren't dealt with successfully, attack and defensiveness or avoidance and stonewalling begin and the continuing negative cycle causes connections to dissolve and the love to disappear. It is these negative cycles, not our partner and not our emotions, that are the problem. This is so important. When these negative relationship cycles emerge, we often need help to change them. The most powerful way to do that is to work with the emotions each partner is experiencing, but in a different way than is commonly understood. If this were easy, we'd do it by ourselves. It's not easy and we don't have to do it alone.

EFT

Unlike other approaches to couple therapy, Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) pays profound attention to the emotions both partners have around their longing for love and connection (seeing all the moves in the relationship dance from an attachment framework, as I've described in my other articles). In EFT, we validate each person's experience and look to see how both individual histories as well as present-day interactions (the cycle) contribute to emotions like insecurity, fear, loneliness, and inadequacy. Too often, these more vulnerable (primary) emotional experiences are lost in the cyclical exchanges we have with our partners. In their place, emotions like anger, blame, and hostility (secondary emotions) are exchanged. When this happens, all we see is the anger and criticism or the withdrawal and aloofness. We then make up stories to explain what we see--negative stories about us, about our partner, and about the relationship. It is this cycle (and its stories) that cripples a loving relationship, disabling partners from coming together with warmth and love. Without help, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that the fear, loneliness, inadequacy, and insecurity are all about the loss of the closeness and connection that used to be there.